AWARDS

by Sam J Christopher

Of late, the annual parade of glitzy award presentations seem to have become predictable and off-puttingly boring. Those were the days when the ratio of real actors really acting, to stunt doubles, was an interesting 1:1. But with the advent of camera tricks, digital enhancement, 4D computer graphics, karaoke and the ubiquitous selfie, there's nothing much to look forward to anymore, really. What now really grips the “live-telecast” world is not "What's coming out next?", but rather, "Who's coming out next?"

Yep, enough with the old acting, singing and dancing. That’s all so yesterday. We are now in the glorious age of celebrating and honouring those tortured souls who have decided to "come out" from the celluloid masks that they've been forced to "hide" behind, in trepid fear of the “cruel” society. So, why not just keep this momentum going? Why not organize annual global award ceremonies for those "brave" enough to have "dared" to “come out” from behind their dingy off-screen closets? After all it must surely take quite a bit of “courage” to strut about exposing one’s newly-discovered jewels to the gaze and adulation of appropriately cheering elite crowd, no? Oh, what insurmountable hurdles they must have struggled against, what unknowable sacrifices they must have made, to finally be able to bring themselves to openly declare their true selves on the glitzy world stage, complete with red carpets, limousines and choreographed stage performances, no?

In order to make this a really attractive and all-inclusive ceremony, the classification of recipients should be broadened. In addition to the awards for homosexuals, cross-dressers and unshaven armpits, there should be separate pageants for:

1) nudists (exempted from dress code)
2) pedophiles (cuddling happy toddlers)

3) incestophiles (with selfie-snapping siblings in tow)

4) necrophiles (coffins optional)

5) zoophiles (with partners on tight, NatGeo-approved leashes)

6) masochists (waving whips or tasers as per personal preference)

7) and those spewing the most-creative vulgar vocabulary, and displaying the most sexually explicit “dance moves”, preferably simultaneously.  

There should also be a special-incentive award reserved for those below 10 in each category. (That’s IQ, not age, silly. Heck, come to think of it, there should DEFINITELY be a special award for those below 10 years of age, aspiring for these noble awards. We shouldn’t damage their yet-to-be-developed self-esteem now, should we?)

Now, THIS should make syndicated “live” telecasts really interesting and all-inclusive -  something to look forward to each year. Especially if the old hag in latex leotards twerking on-stage at eye-level, finally bolts to Canada! And who knows, those filthy rich businessmen who jostle to buy the rights to these all-new awards and pageants, might one day even have the chance to make it to the most powerful office in the world!

And I'll leave it to those incredibly creative computer-graphics experts out there, to propose the designs for the appropriate "oscars" for each category. (But please, no posting of such images here. Don’t want them competing with the ones already floating around in the colourful regions of my left brain.)