OCT 2016 - LATEST HEADLINES!

by A Lump of Clay

Pravda headlines carry shocking statement from the Russian President: “I’ve had enough of the flies in Syria!” The usually stoic Russian President has reportedly ordered immediate deployment of S-500 missiles to the roadside eateries of Aleppo to establish a much needed no-fly zone there. He also warned his generals of stern action if batteries are not included like the last time. Meanwhile, considering the global downturn in economy, the generals are reported to be in a deadlock over which weapon would be more cost-effective in Syria – S-500 or Samsung 7? A decision is expected before winter. UN Secretary General refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch."

CNN went wild upon retrieving archived evidence that confirmed what the rest of the Apprentice-watching world already knew - the red-tied Presidential hopeful is indeed partial to cats. The network released secret photos from several decades ago, one of which showed him in a red-tie, smooching one cuddled on his shoulder. His opponent is reported to have gasped, “Well I’m never going to let that sleaze-mouth anywhere near mine!” To which her opponent is rumoured to have muttered, “As if you had one, you old bag!” 2016 elections are going to be something to watch. With the audio muted. Meanwhile, the Independent Party for Colour-Corrected Conservative Cats is befuddled as to how cats got involved in presidential debates. The US President refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch."

North Korea has come to a stand still as KCNA headlines screamed, "Where is our President?". This is worrying because he has not been present for his daily K-pop jazzercise sessions ever since he launched his latest super duper missile towards Japan last week. The rocket flew for almost 6 feet before nose-diving into the Sea of Japan exactly 2 seconds after the grand launch. The Japanese premier refused comment, other than saying that he has never in his life seen his wife laugh so hard when watching a Korean drama. The US president warned regional powers against hasty retaliations, saying he needed time to crawl out from under his oval desk. UN Secretary General refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch."

Malaysia was abuzz with reports that the Prime Minister (who is also the Finance Minister) dropped his pants in full view of the Monday morning assembly of senior Government staff. Bernama has clarified that this had nothing to do with his private glory, but to drive home the need to tighten belts ahead of impending budget cuts. His first lady who was standing right behind him is reported to be unamused and was seen attempting to pull out a taser from her Berkin handbag before she was escorted off the assembly grounds by the SS. Meanwhile the Cabinet is in emergency session to formulate emergency plans to ensure that they tighten their own Made-in-China Berkin belts before they find themselves in similar state of undress, especially in the presence of the PM’s first lady. The Prime Minister refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch."

The Supreme Court in India has delayed the verdict in a corruption case involving a Chief Minister, whom a senior doctor at the Apollo Hospital (who prefers to remain anonymous and alive), describes as “neither dead nor alive”. The full bench has unanimously referred the case to the Abortion and Rural Family Court to decide before Deepavali, whether the defendant is a dead person or just living tissue, given the fact that the Indian Penal Code has no provision for the prosecution of tissue of any sort. Meanwhile citizens of Tamil Nadu are reported to be in a state of shock, unable to fathom how is it that their beloved Chief Minister could be lifeless in Apollo Hospital, and yet mysteriously be prancing around with MGR on every TV screen at every street corner. The Times of India carried a short report attributed to the Grand Master of Joint Association of Yogis and Bears, that this extraordinary feat of being lifeless in one place but dancing in another, is an ancient Indian art form known as "THILLUMULLU", which is effortlessly practiced by all students of yoga who have completed Year2 and have access to a Made-in-Japan handycam. The Prime Minister refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch."

BBC reports that newly installed British Prime Minister’s talks with EU leaders over UK’s Brexit have hit a snag that may jeopardize the already fragile UK-EU ties and destabilize the premiership of the already fragile premier. This is apparently due to the hitherto failure of the Scotland Yard to locate the whereabouts of Mr Brexit. Meanwhile the Director of Scotland Yard called on the British public to stay calm following widespread rumours that Mr Brexit was last seen limping along Downing Street with a red sling bag, disguised as a Syrian refugee singing off-colour Scottish songs. He insisted that Mr Brexit was undoubtedly British and that these were just rumours spread by unscrupulous elements in MI6. The Prime Minister refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch."

Israel's Prime Minister responded in frustration over UNESCO’s newest joke that Jerusalem was never Jewish. He angrily declared that he didn't think it was funny. He warned that Israel will not tolerate this kind of gentile silliness and threatened to bounce the next incoming asteroid towards the general direction of 42nd and 49th Street NYC. In a related development, the ultra-Jewish Radical Rotund Rabbis for Hasheem also passed an emergency resolution on Friday evening declaring that UNESCO was not kosher, and the Knesset immediately followed it up with an emergency motion demanding that UNESCO's funding be redirected towards bugging American locker-rooms to keep the world free of foul-mouthed presidents. The Knesset's Speaker announced that he has e-mailed a strongly-worded protest to the US State Secretary. CNN reminded the Speaker that he, of all people, should be keenly aware that Friday evenings are the beginning of the Sabbath. And as everybody now knows, that's when the Secretary of State takes a sledgehammer to the basement and hammers the shit out of his e-mail server, subpoena shmupoena. The US Attorney General refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch." UN Secretary General also refused comment saying, "I've a plane to catch."

News is continuing to pour in from around the globe, even as we take a short break ………….