NEWSFLASH November 2017

by A Lump of Clay

NEWSFLASH November 2017:
”A man driving a Home Depot rental truck, mowed down pedestrians and cyclists in New York today, leaving eight people dead. The bodies were later covered in white sheets.The man, an immigrant of Middle-Eastern origin was shot several times by the police. He was later apprehended while shouting ‘Allahu akhbar’. A pellet gun and a paintball gun were recovered from the scene.”

Wait a minute,

We can’t mention “Middle-Eastern origin”; that’s racial profiling.

And drop that “Allahu akhbar” thing; that’s insulting a religion.

Leave out the “immigrant” part; that makes us sound like Trumpers.

Forget the “guns”; that makes us sound like anti-Trumpers

Don’t mention “dead”; it triggers sensitive college kids.
Do stop it with that “man” label; that’s gender stereotyping.

Don’t say “shot by police”; it will make the blacks jittery.
Avoid “apprehended”; it makes NFL players jittery.

Blank out that “Home Depot” name; we don’t want to give them free publicity.

Find some other word for “mowed”; as if truck drivers have some social advantage over cyclists.

And mustn’t highlight “New York”; we don’t want people to think NY is a dangerous place.

And we shouldn’t mention “white sheets”; that would be like inviting a protest from the KKK.

Hmmm……. Let’s just run a one-liner –

“Runaway truck manages to avoid hundreds of cars on the road”.

There! Politically purrfect! Pass the covfefe please.