Saturday, July 24, 2010


by A Lump Of Clay

I was out for some fresh air one Sunday morning and I again met the Thing-with-the-tail. This time it was sitting by the church entrance, it’s head bandaged, clutching an i-phone and moaning. Stooping, I asked the Thing-with-the-tail why it was crying.
It smiled, shyly putting away its i-phone.
"Nooooo, these are tears of joy.”
“I see. What's with the bandage?”
“You see, I was about to take a break after my recent overwhelming success in censoring out the words of the Annointed One from the Luke 4:4-12 sermon.”
“Ah, so it WAS your doing! I recognized your trademark.”
“Of course it was me. Who else can make it possible for the words of my master, the One-with-the-pitchfork, ring out repeatedly from the pulpit and yet blank out those of the Annointed One?”
“But what's the big deal about a few missing verses?”
Sneaking a wide-eyed look behind it, the Thing-with-the-tail leaned close to me and whispered,
“Don't go spreading this, but the Annointed One who sits beside the One True God, has been a constant embarassment to my master - the One-with-the-pitchfork - for the past 2,000years. THAT'S the big deal!”
“But why doesn't the One-with-the-pitchfork just concede defeat...?”
“I'll tell you another day. As I was saying, I was already packing for a well-deserved vacation, when the i-phone rang. Apparently some smart alec is going around quoting Scripture, trying to get people to do ghastly stuff.”
“Ghastly? Like what?”
“Like giving the best to honour the One true God, seeking the Almighty One first and foremost in all things in the church, even if music and choir has to be shelved!! It was also reported that the feller even extolled the throne of the Almighty One in the heavens and alerted the leaders about the rude lyrics created by my co-brother from Tamil Nadu (to help people worship the Annointed One with lips only).”
Bristling with anger, the Thing-with-the-tail puffed itself up to its full height, holding on to its broken horn.
“Any idea who this know-it-all is that’s sabotaging my vacation plans?”
Putting on the most innocent look I could muster up, I mumbled,
“Probably just some jobless nutcase with nothing better to do ...”
Muttering something, the Thing-with-the-tail shrank back to normal size and continued.
“So I had to spring into action.”
“What action?”
“Counter insurgency. Did you catch Coke's latest ad campaign?”
“Coca Cola? Yeah I was wondering how a top brand could come up with something as silly and irrelevant as brrrrr.....”
“Hoi! Watch your words. My master, the One-with-the-pitchfork, personally hatched this brilliant concept and my co-brother in USA successfully sold it to the Coke chaps. And "silly" and "irrelevant" are my co-brother's middle names. Just think. What is Coke actually?”
“I get your point. Everyone from the kids up, will be too busy going brrrrrr... rather than think about the crap they are downing. But what's that got do with the bandage?”
“Everything! Taking a cue from Coke’s smashing success, I sold this same principle to 400 methodist pastors in the form of my all-new father-son-hooooooly-ghost handshake.”
“WHAAAAAAAT!! Nobody’s going to mock the One True Almighty Sovereign God like THAT.”
“Wanna bet? I am betting this latest in-thing of mine will be spreading like wildfire soon. Yo yo wassap man and all that.”
“No way! Not after I have….er…I mean ……that interfering smart alec has sounded the alarm bells about dishonouring the One True Awesome God?”
“Maybe so. But my co-brother from AOG has just confirmed that those folks are already into it”
“Wow! AOG? Hmmmm……. But what's with the bandage?”
“Well I was perched up on the roof of Hotel Florida, wondering which of the 400 methodist pastors will be the first to take the bait and earn me some points, when my i-phone rings. It’s my co-brother from NACJ.”
“New Age Church of Jesus-loves-the-little-children. He tells me that he modified the hooooooooooly ghost part of my new invention into a hip-bump, and it was an instant roaring hit with the kids there.”
“Oh no!”
“Oh yes! That really got me laughing so hard that I fell off the roof and broke my horn. Thus the bandage”
“Ouch! You can't fly?
“Hey I still have a long way to go to earn my wings ok? So, has your pastor introduced the new in-thing yet?”
“What new in-thing?”
“The let's-go-back-to-Scripture in-thing. Are you like dumb or what? The father-son-hooooooooly ghost thingy that I invented lah. What new in-thing.”
“Oh, THAT in-thing.”
“Err.... there WAS mention of 400 pastors and a new style of christian greeting but I suddenly felt strangely sick in the stomach, and stepped out for some fresh air.”
For a brief moment, images of good Methodist folk, saree and all, hip-bumping in the sanctuary of the Almighty One True God flashed across my eyes.
“Emmm....Naaaw! We Methodists take up after the Wesley brothers. Strict disciplinarians, you know, unlike the unruly AOG types. I don't think our Pastor will fall for it lah. Such an active pastor complete with power-point presentations and all. Maybe he was introducing the apostlic style in 2Corinthians 13:12 .......”
The Thing-with-the-tail looked at me in disbelief, and broke out laughing so loud, it’s horn fell off again. And people were staring, I quickly walked back into the church. The Thing-with-the-tail was still looking at me, cackling like crazy, holding the broken horn to its head, the other hand clutching the i-phone to its ear.


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