CHRISTMAS!!

by A Lump of Clay

Yep, it’s that time of the year again, when you would usually notice that yours truly begins developing a strange allergy. An allergy exacerbated by the jingling of sleighbells in a land with no snow. A jingling that leads to inevitable discomfort. Discomfort over impending festivities. Festivities that, were it not for the endless bounty of free cookies, tidbits, muruku, sweets and bubbly, would have me climbing the wall in frustration. Frustration from fruitlessly searching the pages of Holy Scriptures (“christmas” just refuses to come up in any concordance, dang!) for some hint of any mysterious celebration on the 25th of December, that would explain the mysterious origins of all the mysterious brouhaha surrounding this mysterious date. 

But then it came upon me on one very silent night this December. 

A night when I happened to recall an old cowboy saying - “If it ain’t in thaar, look elsewhere.” And then it hit me with a merrily resounding DING-DONG on high - “It ain’t in there, silly!”

So putting aside that Good Book that is largely proven irrelevant this time of the year, I armed with an ample supply of teh-tarik and I decided to go on an expedited expedition. An expedition to try and figure out what the heck the christmas celebration was all about.

This voyage took me on a twelve-day whirlwind global swoop around the globe, immersing my tired brain in intensive study of intensive papers, top-notch research in top-notch institutions, deep meditation in deep caves, and fretful discussions with fretful theologians, all accompanied by long pulls on frothy teh-tarik. And guess what? EUREKA!! I have finally discovered what is the REAL meaning of christmas. That very essence of christmas, without which, christmas would be as exhilarating as decking the halls with handfuls of chopped liver.

It’s the TREE!!

(Actually that was supposed to read “It’s the tree, STUPID!!” But I figured it wouldn’t do justice to all the brain-wracking research that backs up this most wonderful discovery since Yuletide.)

Yes, that evergreen tree, now available in all vogue colors to match the living room walls, is what christmas is all about! A unique tree that has the uncanny supernatural ability to spur diverse populations into diving headlong into a whirlpool of year-end celebratory euphoria. Even warring factions have been known to be persuaded to put down their AK47s, just so everyone within their cross-hairs can enjoy a few jolly moments roasting chestnuts around an open fire, free from the fear of exploding brains. All just by the appearance of the christmas tree!

In other less violent parts of the world, this tree is dragged out by merry gentlemen every year end, to be decorated in all sorts of imaginable trinkets of adoration – multicolored baubles of various sizes, decked out in shiny tinsel, streams of colorful ribbons, topped with generous sprinklings of snow (that never melts even in 40 degree weather) and little gnomes in red hats. And the whole thing capped with an extra large star. And invariably wrapped around and around in twinkling lights that twinkle in a variety of hypnotizing color patterns to the chants of a choir’s “O Christmas Tree”.

The christmas tree. And oh, ample space at the bottom of the tree is a must, so that one fat hombre in a red suit can shimmy down the chimney and lay out your presents under the tree (provided mommy gives him that mandatory kiss under the mistletoe, of course). Whatever  else you may or may not have, that tree is a must. Whichever part of this earth you happen to be on this universally auspicious day (the exception being one tiny kingdom in South East Asia, where you run the risk of being jailed for putting up this tree in public view on this date), there would be no christmas without a christmas tree on the 25th of December. So indispensable that, even in the church where I have attended for the past 35 years, where the christmas tree was banned for decades, now stands a glorious ten-foot plastic one, right inside the sanctuary. Fully decorated. Even during a funeral service! They must have discovered the REAL meaning of christmas just before my exhaustive research! So, after decades of meaningless christmases, it will finally be a meaningful christmas season in church! See how indispensable the tree is? Funeral shmuneral.

So now that I have found the real meaning of christmas, I can go back to being my usual cranky self, waving my usual wet blanket and griping about my usual gripes. Right after the 25th of December .

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! And may your christmas tree never cease its magical celebration.