PROPHETIC PARADE (pronounced P-A-R-O-D-Y)

by A Lump of Clay

Hear ye, hear ye! It’s time for yet another Global Prophetic Parade.

As usual, we will be unravelling for you the mysteries of the Book of Revelation – without even you having to read it.

Together we’ll be calling down fire from the skies to consume all the Baal altars in the world – those inside churches exempted of course.

With our joint prophetic anointing, we’ll practice parting the seas and rivers – except for the Dead Sea, it’s already a tourism goldmine even without a parting.

Please take note of some important announcements:

1) The procession of the Ark of God will not be taking the MRR2 route this year. We don’t want a repeat of the ruckus over the fallen idols and the burning altars in the caves. And we wish to emphatically say again, “WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE!”

2) We have received several anonymous complaints about flabby prophetesses strutting on stage. Noted. This year, all prophetesses, flabby or not, are required to don glowing robes while on stage. No exceptions.
3) “Mosheh’s Miracle Water” will not be on sale this year; ol’ Mosheh has gone AWOL. Try the RCC down the road. Seems they are always doing brisk sales. Damn!

3) We won’t be arriving by Chariots of Fire this time. Some unresolved issues with Twentieth Century Foxes. However,  we’re pleased to announce that we have been provided with a fleet of white Wellfires, pro bono. Close enough.

4) As usual, gold dust will be floating by the bag loads. Feathers not so much – gives the cleaning lady a hard time afterwards. Please don’t forget to handover the gold to the ushers before you leave. These are not hotel body wash, you know. And we need them for next year’s Prohetic Parade

5) For those of you who have yet to come to grips with all that chord-based tongues, please stop hassling us for interpretation. How the heck would we know? And don’t go asking the angels either – it’s just not their thing. Just join in. Or at the very least, just babble along.
6) All bibles are to be dropped into a box marked “OBSOLETE” at the entrance; you can collect them back after the session. If you are still not weaned off it, that is.

7) We’ll have y’all know, Parkinson’s is not contagious. So please don’t shy away from head-shaking, body-jerking  prophetesses. It’s just our prophet thing.

8) We hope to finally reveal the much awaited day and hour of the rapture, give or take a bit, subject to subsequent adjustment. Hey, who says we prophets ALWAYS gotta be spot on?

9) Those weak-kneed among you, have no worries about falling down when you are slain – several off-duty angels have volunteered to be catchers, as soon as they’re done with their trumpets. Bellhops and Red Cross will be on standby too. So just be a sport and fall when you're slain, will ya?

10) Regret to inform that shofars won’t be sold this year. Unforeseen extreme vetting at immigration. But not to worry, we have already digitized it into our keyboards. Brace yourselves for the blast!

11) Please do stop grabbing at Elijah and Deborah’s mantle, folks. It’s starting to fray. We will wave it over all of you for your anointing. No extra charges.

12) Those who have requested for Elisha’s perpetual oil and flour, please note that these will only be available in 2cc ampoules. While stocks last. Hard times, you know. Please do pray in advance ... err... pay in advance before supplies run out.

And the rest of y’all can watch all this “live” on www, if the live-streaming doesn’t fail – hey, miracles don’t work on electronics, for your information.

PS: Don’t forget to donate. “live-streaming” is bloody costly, you know!

PPS: Early registration discount ends in 5 days.